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ooh-la-la.
i hasten to laugh at everything
for fear of being obliged to weep
laughters and tears are both reponses
to fustration and exhaustion
laughter gives us distance
it allows us to step back from an event
deal with it and then move on
but i too believe those who don't know
how to weep with their whole heart
don't know how to laugh either.
one of the worse feelings in the entire world is knowing that you arent good enough,
what's even worse is knowing at the same time that you'll never be.
Monday, July 16, 2007
we are talking about VALUE.
sometimes, i do wonder, i do think about my own value. how important or how useful i am to others? am i capable of helping my company, my boss? or i am just someone that others could do without.
this morning, i kinda got reprimanded by my boss, for completing a task that he has given me last week, only today. he didnt really scold me, his tone was alright, not too harsh, but not so nice either. but i know he's not happy with my performance. i mean, i got tons of work to do. i know, this may sounds ridiculous. how could maybelyn has so much work to do, when apparently, she seems to be the most useless and free person in the company. hello, i mean, sometimes, even the girl beside me seems to be more busy than me, i wonder whats she doing. okay, i might be just wasting my days away in the front part of the attachment. hey, but not anymore okay. now i've got things to do, i've got a to-do-list of over 10items from last week. okay, though they're not very constructive things to do, but at least, i am not here for nothing. okay, im drifting from the main topic. its not that i am taking my own sweet time to complete the task, just that at the same time, more than 1 person is giving me things to do. c'mon, i am a normal human with two hands and need to rest. i mean surely its not a crime to take a day or two more to finish something. i know, this is a world which needs efficiency and effectiveness. but i cant prioritize my tasks, i dont know how. so almost all the time, i will multi-task. do the work here and there, and ya, and end up with a more messy table and disorganized schedule.
okay, blame myself for the incapability. i am not someone that could do things that live up to people's expectations, but i am trying, very hard. i am more serious in my work now, because i think people trust me. my company, for whatever reason it might be, offer me a position, giving me the opportunity to be somebody. so i have to be serious. okay, the more i shouldnt be blogging right? argh, fine.
but the thing is, i am not learning anything. NOTHING. okay, i am just a personal assistant, what do i expect, right? sigh. yes and i do realise that sitting in front of my computer, ranting in my blog, DOESNT HELP. but i just need to let it go. argh.
the quote that i have in my main page says:
"one of the worse feelings in the entire world is knowing that you arent good enough,
what's even worse is knowing at the same time that you'll never be"
that is exactly what i am feeling now. =(
okay, its regynna's birthday today. and she too, is not in a really nice mood, probably due to the people she's working with. perhaps my customer from grand shanghai is right. in the logistics line, everyone is just a selfish creature, and all they care for is themselves, be it to remain in the safe zone or to climb higher. its already bad enough when a working environment doesnt have helping hands, it just become worse when its all arrows, waiting to backstab the next victim. and NO, i am not trying to say that my company is like this. i mean, in general. dont i make sense? everybody is learning to protect themselves, and this cause them to be selfish. and NO again, im not pinpointing anyone. you know, i might even be one of such people in near future, and i seriously dont want. that customer even told me that i should learn to trust no one, even your own friends in the company. isnt that pathetic? to have no one to trust? like what regynna says, the world is just full of backstabbings and fake smiles with hidden agenda. i seriously dont wish to end up in an environment like this. but then again, do i have a choice?
i am just a normal citizen, who desperately needs a paycheck to carry on with life. yeah, im using the word 'desperately'. i understand the importance of money, and what money could make someone to be. i am not trying to sound materialistic here, but you ought to agree with what i say. yeah, money cant buy everything. kinship, love, friendship, and of course, integrity, and alot more. but dont deny this, without money, you cant buy ANYTHING. okay, why i am talking about this seriously? i shouldnt be someone that care so much about such things. argh, see, see whats the environment making me? =(
right, there i was saying, its regynna's birthday today. HAPPY BIRTHDAY GIRL! throw all the unhappiness behind and enjoy the big day ahead. sad that you cant go to yoga class with me today. and sorry that i am not able to celebrate with you ya. but you know, i sincerely wish that you have a great birthday.
ps: sometimes i just wish that i am a better person.
*i wont be alone. || 3:18 PM
she is she, nobody but SHE.
maybelyn.
18 november.
and...
she belongs to nowhere.
she loves...
she wishes for...
she doesnt know, either.
understand;
maybelyn;
speak;
mingle;
reminisce;
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