happy that you're happy.
i laugh at my silliness. i get angry at my own mistakes. but all these doesnt matter. what matters the most, is that you're happy, thats more than enough for me to live on. see, thats silliness. its not that i cant move on, its that i dont want to move on. i want to hold on to the slightest hope, the hope that will bring you back to me. see, thats mistake.
living in my own silliness and mistakes, i realised i could actually be happy. becos you're there. becos you're smiling. becos you're you and you're happy being you. we're so us when we're back as friends. i dont understand why is it so, but as long as this is going to make you happy, this is what i am going to live with.
although, i am still going to be so lost without you.
*i wont be alone. || 2:45 PM
Sunday, April 15, 2007
you'd never know.
some moments, when i managed to look into your eyes, there's nothing there to see, nothing but my own mistakes staring back at me, asking why? so pathetic. and maybe im not in love with you anymore, just that im in love with what we used to have.
but i am still so lost.
*i wont be alone. || 4:05 PM
Friday, April 13, 2007
black black friday.
nope, im not back from hibernation yet.
i just gotta blog and show my appreciation to my 2 very dear friends, JAMIE and PEIXI. thank you girls for being with me yesterday. though we haven been seeing each other for quite some time, but ytd's meeting was definitely a very useful therapy for me. i just feel so me when im with you girls, the things that we do, the topics that we talk about. i feel that i've gotten back the life i've always wanted to have. thank you darlings. thanks for making me feel me.
but after they left, and deep down inside me, i knew that something's missing, i knew that a part of me is gone, and i might never find it back.
i just know.
us being together, is like putting two different puzzles together and hoping that they will fit.
but i am still so lost.
*i wont be alone. || 10:07 AM
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
Things I Shouldnt Do
it feels like a dream. but i know its not. this is reality. this is happening and all i could do is to submit myself to fate, and take whatever that is coming. he's right, i knew its gonna be this way yet i still wanted it. well, thats because im willing to try. what about him?
i could have just pretend that the difference is not bothering me at all, and go on living in my own lies. but i failed to do that. i chose the harder way, i chose to talk. if i had known earlier, i wouldnt have, really.
he said he's not the right guy for me. but thats not up to him to judge, its me.
he said i'm not the right girl for him. but im willing to be everything he wants me to be, isnt that enough? gosh i feel so silly and dumb.
i know it better, its not meant to be, its not a relationship to begin with. i cant be myself, but i dont care about being myself, i just want to be with him. i cant stand myself anymore. i had enough of my own nonsense.
he chose to keep quiet to my last question. but isnt the answer obvious enough when he refused to tell me? our whole conversation is heartbreaking. every single word that he says just went right through me, leaving me suffocating. i had never felt this way, i never felt so traumatized.
i know this is the end. and as much as i want us to be together, i dont want history to repeat itself.
i will try my very best not to harbour any more hopes. i will try my very best to let go and not to believe in a miracle that is never going to happen. i will listen to what mommy and regynna say. i will do whatever it takes to make myself happy. i will be myself. i will be me again.
but before all these happen, i just need a break, a really good rest.
the regrets and "i-shouldnt-have" that i had in this relationship, are going to be something that i would never allow to happen again.
the brand new me, will come back very soon after the "i-wonder-how-long" hibernation.
p/s: i hate wednesdays, EVER.
*i wont be alone. || 8:25 PM
