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ooh-la-la.
i hasten to laugh at everything
for fear of being obliged to weep
laughters and tears are both reponses
to fustration and exhaustion
laughter gives us distance
it allows us to step back from an event
deal with it and then move on
but i too believe those who don't know
how to weep with their whole heart
don't know how to laugh either.
one of the worse feelings in the entire world is knowing that you arent good enough,
what's even worse is knowing at the same time that you'll never be.
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
Things I Shouldnt Do
it feels like a dream. but i know its not. this is reality. this is happening and all i could do is to submit myself to fate, and take whatever that is coming. he's right, i knew its gonna be this way yet i still wanted it. well, thats because im willing to try. what about him?
i could have just pretend that the difference is not bothering me at all, and go on living in my own lies. but i failed to do that. i chose the harder way, i chose to talk. if i had known earlier, i wouldnt have, really.
he said he's not the right guy for me. but thats not up to him to judge, its me.
he said i'm not the right girl for him. but im willing to be everything he wants me to be, isnt that enough? gosh i feel so silly and dumb.
i know it better, its not meant to be, its not a relationship to begin with. i cant be myself, but i dont care about being myself, i just want to be with him. i cant stand myself anymore. i had enough of my own nonsense.
he chose to keep quiet to my last question. but isnt the answer obvious enough when he refused to tell me? our whole conversation is heartbreaking. every single word that he says just went right through me, leaving me suffocating. i had never felt this way, i never felt so traumatized.
i know this is the end. and as much as i want us to be together, i dont want history to repeat itself.
i will try my very best not to harbour any more hopes. i will try my very best to let go and not to believe in a miracle that is never going to happen. i will listen to what mommy and regynna say. i will do whatever it takes to make myself happy. i will be myself. i will be me again.
but before all these happen, i just need a break, a really good rest.
the regrets and "i-shouldnt-have" that i had in this relationship, are going to be something that i would never allow to happen again.
the brand new me, will come back very soon after the "i-wonder-how-long" hibernation.
p/s: i hate wednesdays, EVER.
*i wont be alone. || 8:25 PM
she is she, nobody but SHE.
maybelyn.
18 november.
and...
she belongs to nowhere.
she loves...
she wishes for...
she doesnt know, either.
understand;
maybelyn;
speak;
mingle;
reminisce;
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