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ooh-la-la.
i hasten to laugh at everything
for fear of being obliged to weep
laughters and tears are both reponses
to fustration and exhaustion
laughter gives us distance
it allows us to step back from an event
deal with it and then move on
but i too believe those who don't know
how to weep with their whole heart
don't know how to laugh either.
one of the worse feelings in the entire world is knowing that you arent good enough,
what's even worse is knowing at the same time that you'll never be.
Thursday, March 22, 2007
Expect The Unexpected.
now i finally know the true meaning behind this phrase. yes, i know that its going to end. yes, i know that we wont be tgt for long. but no, i didnt expect it to be this fast, this soon. i dont want us to end just like this.
i wanted to ask if we could try again. i really wanted to. but seeing that he wasnt abit affected about wat has happened, i know the answer straight away. and i know, even if we were to try again, same things will happen, bcos i am not going to change the way i am, not even a bit. i am who i am. i dun wan to pretend in front of the ones i love just to make them love me more.
this morning, i woke up feeling really weird, like something is missing, something is not right. then it suddenly strike me, we're back as friends last night.
i woke up at 625am, knowing that i dont have to wake up at 545am, making breakfast for anyone.
i lie on my bed for 5 more mins after my alarm went off, , knowing that i dont have to give any morning calls.
i reached jurong east, knowing he wont be there and sit down on the stairs beside me, to wait for company bus.
i skipped breakfast, knowing that he wont make a cup of mocha for me.
i stared into space on my desk for the whole morning, knowing that we wont be chatting on msn.
i went for lunch, knowing he wont choose the seat on my left.
i went back to my desk immediately after lunch, knowing i cant sit beside him while he's playing chinese chess.
i stared into space on my desk for the whole afternoon, knowing we wont be planning for the night.
when its near 3pm, i know that i dont have to make black coffee with little sugar for him and we wont be having teabreak together.
i left work at 530pm sharp, knowing i cant wait for him to finish his work.
i took mrt home, knowing that he wont be sms-ing me.
i dunno if i could sleep well tonight knowing that he wont be saying good night.
and now i know, i will never have the chance to eat his breakfast and pasta in hokkien style.
i wont have the chance to share the beautiful scenery when we're up on the space shot in Genting theme park with him anymore. i wanted that so badly.
the times that we had were very short, but i'm missing every bit of it. i know i could get over it. but it just make it harder when i've to face him every day for almost 10hrs. seeing him walk to that door far back in the office breaks my heart. somehow i just know, he's so better off without me. congratulations to him, for being set free back to the things he loves. i know we wont be in each other's embraces anymore. i have to admit, i am heartbroken and i am not okay. but still, i didnt regret walking away that night, bcos this is me. this is who i am. perhaps its just a big mistake that we both had made from the very beginning. i shouldnt take the risk, i shouldnt say yes. he shouldnt be so confident that he's going to take it, he shouldnt promise.
or maybe........ we shouldnt fall in love.
*i wont be alone. || 7:49 PM
she is she, nobody but SHE.
maybelyn.
18 november.
and...
she belongs to nowhere.
she loves...
she wishes for...
she doesnt know, either.
understand;
maybelyn;
speak;
mingle;
reminisce;
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