ooh-la-la.
i hasten to laugh at everything
for fear of being obliged to weep
laughters and tears are both reponses
to fustration and exhaustion
laughter gives us distance
it allows us to step back from an event
deal with it and then move on
but i too believe those who don't know
how to weep with their whole heart
don't know how to laugh either.
one of the worse feelings in the entire world is knowing that you arent good enough,
what's even worse is knowing at the same time that you'll never be.
Friday, May 19, 2006
whee. blogging in school library now. waiting for jamie to finish her class. but even then, i still cant go home and sleep! i gotta meet johan for proj. discussion. oh man. kill me! kill me!! i need sleep so badly now.
this few days are really bad for me and jamie, whoever's worse. just yesterday, i broke down in tears and gave peixi a shock. nothing happened in particular, really. nothing so bad happened that could caused me like this. im just feeling very depressed and shitty. i feel that there's so much things for me to shoulder. im not almighty. why is everyone trying to make my life worse.
last night someone told me i've changed. changed to someone that she no longer know and understand. i rebutted. i know she meant well. i know she just wanted to tell me how she feel. but i really couldnt agree with her, not a single bit. well, thats initially. i talked to jamie and peixi about it. they didnt agree too. but after thinking about it over and over again, im starting to wonder. have i really change? sometimes i would look into the mirror but couldnt recognise the reflection. what have i done to myself? what have i done to others that make them hate me so much? have i really, really change? jamie and peixi said no. they said so what even if u changed, everybody change. ya, thats what i replied to that someone too. human beings change, unless im not one. so anyway, im starting to deny what jamie and peixi had told me. they said i did not change too dramastically. when peixi said that, i should be more than convinced as she's there with me for so many years, without leaving at all. but now i even doubted that. i think, both of them are just afraid to say the truth. maybe deep in their heart, they also think that i've changed so much, but they're worried to hurt me with they truth that's why they chose to lie. i no longer could differentiate whats true and whats not. im afraid to ask them questions like "how do u take me as friend?", "how do u feel about me?". i hate the truth seriously. i am a rotten apple.
i told that someone, i love the life im having now. i love the way i am now. even if i changed, i see nothing wrong in it. cause im definitely happier compared to a few yrs back. she said she hopes to see the old me. i told her i cant please everybody. i cant be the one everyone wants me to be, but deep inside my heart, im unhappy. im not trying to hurt her by saying all this. i sincerely want to tell her, to accept me for who am i. she doesnt have to love the changes in me if i have any, but please, do not ask me to go back to who i used to be or what. i feel very hurt this way.
there's these words in my friendster profile. some people misunderstood my attitude. some people got hurt the way i took. some people got angry because of my indifference. but thats the real me, i dun need to pretend just to please everybody.
i dun need her to love me as much as before. i just need her to take me for who i am, really. i am willing to apologise to her for what i've done wrong, and for what i've not. as long as we could still be happy together. i cant take any bad things anymore. i had all enough. i want my life now, to only get better and not worse. thats all i hope for. =)
and its gonna be a busy weekend. both me and jamie are praying hard that nothing bad is going to happen. somehow, jamie and me have accurate sixth sense, esp. me. we have a very bad feeling for this weekend. we cant take anything anymore. please, someone bless me. =)
脑海里
有时很乱很乱
有时一片空白
到底怎么了
*i wont be alone. || 3:18 PM
she is she, nobody but SHE.
maybelyn.
18 november.
and...
she belongs to nowhere.
she loves...
she wishes for...
she doesnt know, either.
understand;
maybelyn;
speak;
mingle;
reminisce;
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