ooh-la-la.
i hasten to laugh at everything
for fear of being obliged to weep
laughters and tears are both reponses
to fustration and exhaustion
laughter gives us distance
it allows us to step back from an event
deal with it and then move on
but i too believe those who don't know
how to weep with their whole heart
don't know how to laugh either.
one of the worse feelings in the entire world is knowing that you arent good enough,
what's even worse is knowing at the same time that you'll never be.
Thursday, September 02, 2004
so long nv blog le.. stupid lappy lah.. dunno kana wat virus sia.. kaoz.. now using bendan de lappy.. in de stupid eals lessons.. is anyone paying attention? haha!!
god.. u r realli playing a veri big joke to me.. y? fate again!! no, if its fate, i wan fate to bring us together..!! not tear us apart!!! fate!! i hate u!!! im supposed to enjoy my every minute now.. before ytd's zss de teachers' day celebration, im so blessed.. thou i realli dun expect much.. but im realli on cloud 9... no no.. cloud infinity... but now, i dunno.. i onli noe tt my heart is bleeding.. profusely.. i cant find myself.. im lost.. im now not sad.. not heartbroken.. im feeling numb.. no feelings at all.. i could only feel pain.. like there's thousand needles pricking my heart.. all advices given to me is useless.. i cant hear anything.. de onli i could hear is de crying inside me.. is this de end? of my world?
i wanna believe in myself.. im hoping for miracles.. i wanna believe tt miracles could happen.. tts all in de past.. now, could i still lie to myself? will my miracles happen? will me dreams come true? will i be blessed again, n this time forever? i dun wan this to be a cycle.. blessed n den hurt.. blessed n den hurt.. this is killing me.. it doesnt matter if we're not together.. i juz hope tt ur concern n sweetness to me is not 'on' n 'off'... i wan it to be constant!! i still remember de anxiety in ur voice when u call me tt day.. im missing for more than 24 hrs.. u were sooo worried... i could nv forget de anxiety in ur voice..
god... hear my pleas.. stop torturing me... i juz wanna be happy.. i dare not ask for more.. i not i cant.. plz. stop torturing mi..
is this a punishment? punishing me for changing de topic tt day? punishing me for being a coward? punishing me bcos i dare not confess my feelings? punishing me for everything i've done wrong? if this is realli a punishment, den i juz haf to surrender to it.. i noe i deserve it.. its all my fault.. but god, im remorseful now.. plz, punishing mi using this method is realli cruel.. i noe im wrong.. i regretted... i regretted for de things i mentioned above.. dun punishing me anymore.. its painful... painful..
no mood to continue.. will update again..
::: wo xiang ba sha na, bian cheng yong heng ::: wo xiang liu zhu ni ai wo de mei yi miao ::: wo xiang liu zhu kan dao ni de mei yi ke ::: wo xiang, wo xiang, wo xiang ni ::: qing xiang xin wo de qi ji, xiang xin wo de tian chang di jiu :::
*i wont be alone. || 5:31 AM
she is she, nobody but SHE.
maybelyn.
18 november.
and...
she belongs to nowhere.
she loves...
she wishes for...
she doesnt know, either.
understand;
maybelyn;
speak;
mingle;
reminisce;
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